Worldwide, women’s right to work remains a contentious issue
even today. It is only in the past few decades, that women have been allowed
into offices, first as secretaries and then just all over the place; Really, so
kind of you sir, so kind. Unfortunately, what this has come to mean is that men
must attempt to modify their behavior to accommodate and respond to the more
touchy sensitivities of their female colleagues. The rules regarding the same
are several and frankly, just convoluted. For those confused souls who have
spent years lost in that labyrinth of workplace norms and conventions, this is
a simple primer; one designed to facilitate your speedy and artful maneuvering though
a work day. For your convenience, the same is divided into sections.
Where your eyes,
hands and in general your body must be.
While speaking, the voice emanates from the mouth in women,
just like it does among men. Even the olfactory senses are linked to the ears,
just as is among men. There is therefore no need to look at the third button on
her shirt. Or thereabout. Similarly, when I am done talking and walk away, you
must try and get back to your work. No good can come from staring at my butt.
My back, head, shoulder is/are not resting places for your
arms or elbows. Leaning into is frowned upon. Especially from the back, as this
may mistakenly be construed as trying to look down someone’s shirt. Sidling is
also not appreciated either. As a general rule, you must imagine her throwing a
punch and keep in mind that most women punch straight, rather than that
roundhouse shit. Try to stay out of the reach of these punches. Simple as that.
On conversation
Conversation is fraught with pitfalls and is in general one
of the trickiest areas to maneuver. There are so many rules. The most
acceptable course of action is to pontificate on mundane topics like – the industry
is growing in an unstructured manner or business is hard to come by or it looks
like there won’t be any bonuses this year either or other similar management
bitching. You throw in some jargon, she throws in some jargon, and it all flows
naturally.
You may make requests for personal information e.g. – How old
are you? – Only if you are a friend, a very good friend. Or scratch that. Not even
when you are a friend may you ask those questions to a lady. Nor may you ask other
questions with the intention of getting an approximate idea of such details. Yes,
we get exactly what you are asking when you nonchalantly ask ‘So doesn’t it get
lonely staying here?’
Even within this constrained set up, using vivid adjectives
like ‘h*****i’, ‘c*****a’, is considered forward and consequently, unseemly. Now
now, no one is questioning your right to your vocabulary nor indeed am I
judging you. In fact, in all probability your use of the word was apt and most definitely
called for. But, unfortunately, rules are rules and you must make all efforts
not to appear uncouth. The only clawback under this rule is allowed when the lady
takes the first step. Even in such case, you must refrain from cursing with
gusto as you might with your college friends. And while at it, if you could
contrive to look a trifle mortified about it that would be just wonderful.
This may all be a little overwhelming to learn all at once,
so I’ll help you with a shortcut – when you get five continuous answers in
monosyllables, maybe you have advanced into territory that she does not want
you to chart. Retreat immediately and comment on the weather. See where that
goes.
Dealing with confined
spaces.
When travelling back from a meeting, which you have
needlessly dragged me to, you have several options to choose amongst as the
answer to the big question – What is the correct guiding principle during a cab
ride. There is always the less than comfortable option of not talking at all
and staring out of the window, forefinger placed on the chin and thoughtful
expression on face. This could easily seem like a waste but you must attempt to
apply your mind to thought during this time, after all who doesn’t need
practice on that eh? You will notice that during this time I have not plugged into
the radio nor did I dive into a book and instead I also sit with a similar dazed
expression looking out of the other window. This is because said actions would
be considered rude. Nor must one dial a buddy on the mobile device and start yammering
on about weekend plans. This is not just rude, but also inconsiderate – I do
not need to know that your nickname is Pillu (really dude?)
Of course, if you chose to converse instead, you could refer
to the conversation section of the primer.
While in a cab, or in a meeting room, do not attempt to stretch.
This sometimes lets those around you become intimately acquainted with that
peculiar species of fungus or molasses or whatever it is you are breeding in
your armpits. If it is accompanied by a yawn, the action might call into
question your oral hygiene issues as well. And of course, it could always
accidentally result, to your detriment, in your breaching the punch radius.
Now, it is time for me to sleep and as you will learn in
future sessions, it is never acceptable to keep a lady up past her bedtime. So
till we meet again then!
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