Workplace Etiquette Primer

Worldwide, women’s right to work remains a contentious issue even today. It is only in the past few decades, that women have been allowed into offices, first as secretaries and then just all over the place; Really, so kind of you sir, so kind. Unfortunately, what this has come to mean is that men must attempt to modify their behavior to accommodate and respond to the more touchy sensitivities of their female colleagues. The rules regarding the same are several and frankly, just convoluted. For those confused souls who have spent years lost in that labyrinth of workplace norms and conventions, this is a simple primer; one designed to facilitate your speedy and artful maneuvering though a work day. For your convenience, the same is divided into sections.

Where your eyes, hands and in general your body must be.

While speaking, the voice emanates from the mouth in women, just like it does among men. Even the olfactory senses are linked to the ears, just as is among men. There is therefore no need to look at the third button on her shirt. Or thereabout. Similarly, when I am done talking and walk away, you must try and get back to your work. No good can come from staring at my butt.

My back, head, shoulder is/are not resting places for your arms or elbows. Leaning into is frowned upon. Especially from the back, as this may mistakenly be construed as trying to look down someone’s shirt. Sidling is also not appreciated either. As a general rule, you must imagine her throwing a punch and keep in mind that most women punch straight, rather than that roundhouse shit. Try to stay out of the reach of these punches. Simple as that.

On conversation

Conversation is fraught with pitfalls and is in general one of the trickiest areas to maneuver. There are so many rules. The most acceptable course of action is to pontificate on mundane topics like – the industry is growing in an unstructured manner or business is hard to come by or it looks like there won’t be any bonuses this year either or other similar management bitching. You throw in some jargon, she throws in some jargon, and it all flows naturally.

You may make requests for personal information e.g. – How old are you? – Only if you are a friend, a very good friend. Or scratch that. Not even when you are a friend may you ask those questions to a lady. Nor may you ask other questions with the intention of getting an approximate idea of such details. Yes, we get exactly what you are asking when you nonchalantly ask ‘So doesn’t it get lonely staying here?’

Even within this constrained set up, using vivid adjectives like ‘h*****i’, ‘c*****a’, is considered forward and consequently, unseemly. Now now, no one is questioning your right to your vocabulary nor indeed am I judging you. In fact, in all probability your use of the word was apt and most definitely called for. But, unfortunately, rules are rules and you must make all efforts not to appear uncouth. The only clawback under this rule is allowed when the lady takes the first step. Even in such case, you must refrain from cursing with gusto as you might with your college friends. And while at it, if you could contrive to look a trifle mortified about it that would be just wonderful.

This may all be a little overwhelming to learn all at once, so I’ll help you with a shortcut – when you get five continuous answers in monosyllables, maybe you have advanced into territory that she does not want you to chart. Retreat immediately and comment on the weather. See where that goes.

Dealing with confined spaces.

When travelling back from a meeting, which you have needlessly dragged me to, you have several options to choose amongst as the answer to the big question – What is the correct guiding principle during a cab ride. There is always the less than comfortable option of not talking at all and staring out of the window, forefinger placed on the chin and thoughtful expression on face. This could easily seem like a waste but you must attempt to apply your mind to thought during this time, after all who doesn’t need practice on that eh? You will notice that during this time I have not plugged into the radio nor did I dive into a book and instead I also sit with a similar dazed expression looking out of the other window. This is because said actions would be considered rude. Nor must one dial a buddy on the mobile device and start yammering on about weekend plans. This is not just rude, but also inconsiderate – I do not need to know that your nickname is Pillu (really dude?)

Of course, if you chose to converse instead, you could refer to the conversation section of the primer.

While in a cab, or in a meeting room, do not attempt to stretch. This sometimes lets those around you become intimately acquainted with that peculiar species of fungus or molasses or whatever it is you are breeding in your armpits. If it is accompanied by a yawn, the action might call into question your oral hygiene issues as well. And of course, it could always accidentally result, to your detriment, in your breaching the punch radius.

Now, it is time for me to sleep and as you will learn in future sessions, it is never acceptable to keep a lady up past her bedtime. So till we meet again then!

Once upon a rainy time

It is quite wonderful to sit in a taxi and look at the red brake lights of the cars blinking through the water droplets on the windshield. The peace and quiet that envelopes you is interrupted only by the wakeful snores of the taxi driver. And then suddenly over the bridge, I see the storm brewing at the horizon and that along with the wind in your hair brings to your heart a vague feeling of exhilaration. And then it starts. It rains cats and dogs and other species of domesticated animals. The sound of the raindrops thrashing against the road and the mist against my skin makes me happy that I chose to get out of office early today. Now I can attend calls from pesky colleagues and answer them with a, “ Hello? Hellllooo? I am out in the rain, will call when it stops.” You can actually expect them to understand. And so, I have the rest of the evening to myself and whomever I chose to spend it with. That’s when I make a call. “ Meet me downstairs.”
And sure enough when I get home, there she is waiting for me, a jacket in hand and an excited expression on face. We put on our jackets, hold on to our umbrellas, wrap our precious cell phones in a plastic bag. Thus fortified, we trudge through the rain as fast as we can. Somewhere in this rain, I hear a racket. I turn back to see a fire truck rushing to some place and suddenly I just can’t stop laughing. She looks at me with a puzzled expression, then catches sight of what I have seen and doubles up in laughter. And right there, the two of us, laughing like idiots in the middle of the road, we completely understand each other.
With all the wrestling with our umbrellas, we reach the beach quicker than I anticipated. There is thunder and lightning in the air. As we make our way through the wet sand, I find the most perfect looking seashell. We go down to the sea and stand for a while looking at our own shadows. The wind makes the umbrellas useless; water is running down our backs now. Slowly we see the tide is coming back up. So we scamper back up the rocks and on to the beach and run around for a bit. Then when we are tired and completely soaked, we sit down for a while and hunt for seashells. It is here I wonder, if I will feel so blissfully happy ever again.
Slowly the rains subside. Suddenly I have a feeling that we are intruding on the couple sitting a few feet away from us. Or that they are intruding on our time. We get up, shake off the sand and start for home. And somewhere in the middle of the long walk back home and the race up the stairs, it struck me that life is truly a beautiful thing, and it will give me chances to be this happy again and again till eternity. And when I feel the warm floor beneath my feet, I realize that all that’s left of this is experience is a seashell and the memory of her smile.