Train Travails

(Working Title: Chugga Chugga Bugga Bugga)

Having heard so much about trains in Mumbai, I thought neglecting this experience would be akin to not committing suicide at Suicide Point. And this decision of mine had nothing to do with the fact that the taxi drivers were starting to resemble Bank robbers. Now, I am not naïve. I know that it is very tough to get onto a train in peak hour traffic. You compete with roughly a million other souls for those 2 square inches of space which you might mistakenly assume are yours when you buy the ticket. So with due wariness you look for the Ladies Compartment of the train and practice you sprints and push-ups, warming up for the ordeal of getting on to one.

A sudden surge of the crowd towards some specific places makes it plain when and where the door is anticipated. When the train stops and you try to get on, you suddenly feel around 15 elbows somewhere in the vicinity of your guts and ribs. This is the first time you notice the funny ostrich like walk most women here have developed here in order to make sure that any competitor has a tough time getting to breathe let alone get on to the train. Once you get over the pain you realize all your worry was useless. All you had to do was stand on the platform and the wave of humanity will carry you onto the train. Now since the train is packed like a tin of sardines, you don’t even have to hold on to anything. All the meritorious features of train travel which no one ever talks about suddenly come true in front of your eyes.

But then finally you get a seat next to a woman who looks like she could scare away the various chintu rajans and his brothers and various associates with one sidelong glance. But then she smiles encouragingly baring dental equipment which seems to be entirely made of rotting wood. You also notice that she is wearing the enticing scent of fresh garlic with a hint of 2 day old fish. And obviously you cannot express you compliments because the 2 aunties standing next to you have decided to start a shouting match on who touched whom first and how exactly the touch should be interpreted now that section 377 has been repealed and all else has been drowned in those decibels. I have a feeling that a mirror may put their fears to rest, but I am not sure I like wearing headgear made out of mirror shards. That could hurt the baby who was busy kicking my head with all the might in his tiny little body. He’s going to grow up and become the next Khali.

This is where some lady who resembles Mayawati comes to you and authoritatively asks you,” Kuthe?” (roughly translated to “Where?”) She wants to know where you will get off so that she can take your place after you. Now somehow I resist the urge to say, “Here” Or “Wherever you want me to.” or “I could jump off the train now if you want,” and say “Umm… Dadar.” Now note, when I get up I have to make sure, that she takes my place, or else she will throw a tantrum of epic proportions, matched only by her lookalike.

(To be continued…)


P.S. On a separate note, before I forget let me also remind the reader that during the rainy season the Indian Railways also has special Break your Neck on the Stairs Today offers going on. In this their over bridges are amply aided by the monsoons. Do not forget to try at a station near you.