Workplace Etiquette Primer

Worldwide, women’s right to work remains a contentious issue even today. It is only in the past few decades, that women have been allowed into offices, first as secretaries and then just all over the place; Really, so kind of you sir, so kind. Unfortunately, what this has come to mean is that men must attempt to modify their behavior to accommodate and respond to the more touchy sensitivities of their female colleagues. The rules regarding the same are several and frankly, just convoluted. For those confused souls who have spent years lost in that labyrinth of workplace norms and conventions, this is a simple primer; one designed to facilitate your speedy and artful maneuvering though a work day. For your convenience, the same is divided into sections.

Where your eyes, hands and in general your body must be.

While speaking, the voice emanates from the mouth in women, just like it does among men. Even the olfactory senses are linked to the ears, just as is among men. There is therefore no need to look at the third button on her shirt. Or thereabout. Similarly, when I am done talking and walk away, you must try and get back to your work. No good can come from staring at my butt.

My back, head, shoulder is/are not resting places for your arms or elbows. Leaning into is frowned upon. Especially from the back, as this may mistakenly be construed as trying to look down someone’s shirt. Sidling is also not appreciated either. As a general rule, you must imagine her throwing a punch and keep in mind that most women punch straight, rather than that roundhouse shit. Try to stay out of the reach of these punches. Simple as that.

On conversation

Conversation is fraught with pitfalls and is in general one of the trickiest areas to maneuver. There are so many rules. The most acceptable course of action is to pontificate on mundane topics like – the industry is growing in an unstructured manner or business is hard to come by or it looks like there won’t be any bonuses this year either or other similar management bitching. You throw in some jargon, she throws in some jargon, and it all flows naturally.

You may make requests for personal information e.g. – How old are you? – Only if you are a friend, a very good friend. Or scratch that. Not even when you are a friend may you ask those questions to a lady. Nor may you ask other questions with the intention of getting an approximate idea of such details. Yes, we get exactly what you are asking when you nonchalantly ask ‘So doesn’t it get lonely staying here?’

Even within this constrained set up, using vivid adjectives like ‘h*****i’, ‘c*****a’, is considered forward and consequently, unseemly. Now now, no one is questioning your right to your vocabulary nor indeed am I judging you. In fact, in all probability your use of the word was apt and most definitely called for. But, unfortunately, rules are rules and you must make all efforts not to appear uncouth. The only clawback under this rule is allowed when the lady takes the first step. Even in such case, you must refrain from cursing with gusto as you might with your college friends. And while at it, if you could contrive to look a trifle mortified about it that would be just wonderful.

This may all be a little overwhelming to learn all at once, so I’ll help you with a shortcut – when you get five continuous answers in monosyllables, maybe you have advanced into territory that she does not want you to chart. Retreat immediately and comment on the weather. See where that goes.

Dealing with confined spaces.

When travelling back from a meeting, which you have needlessly dragged me to, you have several options to choose amongst as the answer to the big question – What is the correct guiding principle during a cab ride. There is always the less than comfortable option of not talking at all and staring out of the window, forefinger placed on the chin and thoughtful expression on face. This could easily seem like a waste but you must attempt to apply your mind to thought during this time, after all who doesn’t need practice on that eh? You will notice that during this time I have not plugged into the radio nor did I dive into a book and instead I also sit with a similar dazed expression looking out of the other window. This is because said actions would be considered rude. Nor must one dial a buddy on the mobile device and start yammering on about weekend plans. This is not just rude, but also inconsiderate – I do not need to know that your nickname is Pillu (really dude?)

Of course, if you chose to converse instead, you could refer to the conversation section of the primer.

While in a cab, or in a meeting room, do not attempt to stretch. This sometimes lets those around you become intimately acquainted with that peculiar species of fungus or molasses or whatever it is you are breeding in your armpits. If it is accompanied by a yawn, the action might call into question your oral hygiene issues as well. And of course, it could always accidentally result, to your detriment, in your breaching the punch radius.

Now, it is time for me to sleep and as you will learn in future sessions, it is never acceptable to keep a lady up past her bedtime. So till we meet again then!

The Impotence of Being Offended

Before we begin, I have to point out that all this offense taking and sudden sensitivity to otherwise obscure issues is not a new development. In the recent times however, we have almost developed it into an art form. And since it is more than slightly amusing to see everyone convince themselves that we may be able to change anything by taking offense to it, I have taken it upon myself to deliver a lecture on the issue. Now that purpose and warnings are sorted, let’s get cracking.

What was it that Stephen Fry said on being offended?

"It's now very common to hear people saying 'I'm rather offended by that' as if that gives them certain rights -- it's simply a whine, it's no more than a whine. 'I find that offensive'. It has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that' -- well so fucking what?"

Believe me, I have found to my lasting regret that taking offense in itself is an exercise in futility. This probably surprises quite a few people, but I should let it be known that I am not entirely thick-skinned; I do get offended. Often. By little things. Like uncouth nitwits peeing on street corners. But the problem is that once you make your errm… esteemed opinion known to the offenders (say by clapping and shouting “Wah! Wah! loudly) more often than not, people just come up with vexing things that offend you more that what you complained about(like say, turning around and flashing you. And of course all the other people who gathered when you kicked up your little scene.)

Furthermore and more importantly, a lot of times the point we are trying to make gets lost(much like what you may have encountered on my blogposts :|. Including this one.)Take for example the Ambedkar cartoon row. The cartoon depicts Nehru whipping Ambedkar who is sitting on and in turn whipping a snail which is our constitution. The cartoon was probably trying to show how slow the constitution drafting process was and how it frustrated everyone involved. That brilliant little snail metaphor from the cartoon remained relevant even after the drafting was done, because the constitution is a damnably slow read too and it frustrates the hell out of most people who attempt to do so too. (Statutory disclaimer: in saying so I don’t mean to insult anyone who was involved in the process (why start another war, eh?) it is just the nature of these things, it’s very difficult to have a way with words when you are trying to be legally sound.)

Anyhow, getting back on track, the offending point here was that there is an upper class snob, Nehru, whipping a dalit, Ambedkar. And our suddenly sensitive netas made sure a scene was created in the parliament. I am sure the news panel discussions, candle light marches all followed. The offending cartoon was removed. The offending official has his property ransacked. 

Let us for a moment try and imagine how this came up. Some neta, who is of course a champion of the Dalit cause, trying to teach his kid history. Imagine his horror when he suddenly comes across a cartoon of Ambedkar being whipped. This is wrong and must be set right he decides. 

Now I find this disturbing a many levels. First of course is the images we encourage and reinforce through such protests. Some person looks at Ambedkar and immediately thinks Dalit. I am sure he is deserving of much respect. He must have been brilliant, he had to be, to be entrusted with a task so important as the drafting of the constitution. But most of us can remember only one thing about him, as if only that one thing was significant. All because people keep taking offense on his behalf. 

This is entirely similar to the Mamatadi cartoon row. She took offense to a cartoon. She has done a lot of things in the past few year, big news worthy stuff. She fought for some measure of justice for the people of Singur. She overthrew the communist regime. She has been driving around trying to bring about change. And yet, when we think of her, we think only – Oh that Loon.

Then there is the issue of what we believe passes for setting things right. These (non)issues touch a raw nerve because somewhere they link back to reality. The Ambedkar cartoon was found offensive possibly because this is how people from the lower castes were treated once upon a time. Scarily enough, this is how a lot of them are still treated today. Which is wrong. So wrong. Yet, all we can seem to do is to get the cartoon removed. All we asked for is to get the cartoon removed. We do nothing to address that reality; instead we attack any representations of it. We may succeed in getting people not to represent our society in such offensive terms, but just because no one talks about it, doesn’t mean there is no problem.*

So next time you think about taking offense, either take some action along with it (and please make it more worthwhile than a candle march) OR get some Sensodyne for your soul, and for heavens sake SHUT UP and stop the incessant whining.

(*NB please. If you have been paying close attention, which I hope is not the case, you will notice that these observations do not tie in with my initial example. This leads me to believe that I have I have meandered enough for today. Good night.)

(I just realized, I took offense on taking offense. That is so…)

Mera Neta Bore Hai and other stories

If I were to believe the hysterical news channels one is subjected to these days, there is a revolution afoot. Apparently the not so successful blackmail tactic from your childhood(I will not eat till you change my name to April Rose?) is getting a second life. So what if it didn’t work with the parents, it works with the government. And therefore, I invite you to join me tomorrow in a fast unto being-fed-with-a-tube to protest against the harsh summers and the tanning that it brings. We must not let all that Fair and Lovely go waste.

Ok, ok, enough with the bad jokes. This is a serious matter. It’s a fight against corruption, the perennial bane of Indian society and business across the world. The Indian Jasmine revolution(the media have really outdone themselves - no, not really). The middle class revolution (as against the low class ones we see ever so often) Oh! How they kid themselves. The Indian middle class is not comprised of 50 odd people in every small city and a slightly higher number in the metros. The people who form these noisy groups holding up banners in support of Anna’s jasmine fast are mostly, social butterflies(yes Anupam Kher, I am talking about YOU), social activists (who don’t have much work anyway) and students – again no work and too young and starry eyed to know better (My 73rd b’day was last weekend, thanks!)

I don’t enjoy peeing over everyone’s optimism (or maybe I do, but that’s another story all together) But I don’t get it. So after this, a bill will be passed and we will get a super-duperman who will wipe away corruption from all our systems like--- Did I get that script right? I am sorry I don’t buy it. That only happens in Mithunda movies. (Ok maybe in Rajni movies too.) But real life doesn’t have as many bad dialogues, pretty heroines and nice endings. So here is how the thing will end in real life. Remember all the corrupt people, the ones he is against? They are corrupt for a reason. They have power. So rest assured, these villains will find a way of letting the air out of super-duperman. And that’s the nice part of the story. The pother part is the scenario where super-duperman trounces all. And that’s only because he is a bigger crook than the rest of them.

How naïve are we? What makes us think that an all powerful Lokpal will solve all our problems? The same person as prosecutor and also the judge? That sounds dangerous to me. We have enough number of people who are answerable to no one at all. And look where that has gotten us.

On the night we won the World Cup (Yes congratulations everybody, all your efforts, the not bathing, the sitting in the same clothes, paid off) I was on my way home when we had to stop for a while to let a bunch of hooligans pass. You know the kind, too drunk to drive, holding up their finger (you know which one) at the cop on duty, hooting for no reason etc. That’s when it hit me. We deserve all this. The politicians with criminal records, the corruption, all of it. Yes, Indian democracy is best viewed from a traffic signal in the hindi heartland. As a nation of bribe givers and income tax evaders (and these are some of the nicer things we do) we deserve every bit of corrupt neta that we get. Every MLA, every MP is elected not only by us but also from us. And so naturally, they represent us in every sense of the word.

(On a side note, this happened again. With the Great Indian Jasmine Fast and Random Sloganeering people got the right to randomly stop traffic, accost passersby, walk through busy junctions and even eve tease. When your cause is noble, civic sense doesn’t matter.)

Anyway, back to the problem. We see the problem only at the highest levels. We want to solve it also only at the highest levels. Or at least beginning at the highest levels. The problem of corruption is an endemic one. We like to believe just the powerful few who are corrupt. But the fact is that most of us, given the power that they have, would probably do equally unspeakable stuff. So appointing a super-duperman is about as good as wishing our problems away. Unfortunately, holding a candle light march doesn’t hold a candle to actual work.

We have beaten social evils in the past. There was Sati, the way we treated our widows, the caste system in Kerala to cite a few. There were failures too, I won’t deny that. I don’t know that the status of corruption was under the British, but I am guessing that the majority of us were too poor so it wasn’t what it is to. We beat some customs which had been the part of the fabric of our society for quite a few decades at the very least. Most of the time what helped us is the people who attacked the root of the problems and not the just rules that the British had against these. Men, good strong men ( not to mention sane) role models like Raja Ram Mohan Roy and an Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar, talked about the problems and showed people why they were wrong. Talked till someone listened and some of them realized what horrible ways they were treating others and some other realized what beastly treatment was being metted out to them. The Official acts came after the real change and that is why it worked.

So where did we lose the plot? Is it because our social reformers have been replaced by Social activists? Sometimes I wonder how social activists are any better than armchair critics like me. We like our 15 minutes of fame. We like to challenge the big guys. What we don’t realize is that behind him, in his shadows is another one just like him, or worse, waiting to take his place. But hey, lets be David for a day. Besides do you know how much time and effort the actual reform takes?Phhffft!